Ordinary Life : 2018

Early Release

As if we had memorized a script, came the request from one who had called himself beloved:

"Release me?"

We, the children and I, had just listened to the recording where Neil Gaiman read 'A Christmas Carol' at NYC Public Library and we had begun to listen to an audio drama of the same story.

So, the scene where Belle releases Ebenezer was fresh in our minds.

But listen, it has never been far from mine.

I should mention we've been traveling down the crooked alley of divorce for at least a half a mile. We are closer to the end of that passage than the day he filed his intent...

Best Man and Maid of Honor replaced now with attorneys on either side.

The Reverend who married us in his backyard and bumbled through the vows replaced by a judge, honorable and wise.

There is no music, but the courtroom's bailiff has a delightful sense of humor and keeps things running smoothly. She tells us when to sit and stand and speak.

We meet in courtroom 2B, inviting metaphors about 'Not 2B' at your leisure.

Together, we and our witnesses have taken new oaths, oaths to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth unless it will land us in debtor's prison or at the mercy of paying alimony. Then we have apparently decided to 'posture' our way through. Well, he has.

But listen, this has always been his way.

From what must there be release? I cannot speed up judicial proceedings, nor did I set them into motion.

My hope for the return of a friend both kind and gentle was pulled from my grasp at his own angry, insistent command.

"So, do I have your permission?" he asked me two weeks past.

Rest easy, my old beloved, those aren't my chains you wear.

I wear the chain I forged in life,' replied the Ghost. `I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it. Is its pattern strange to you?'

Scrooge trembled more and more.

`Or would you know,' pursued the Ghost, `the weight and length of the strong coil you bear yourself? It was full as heavy and as long as this, seven Christmas Eves ago. You have laboured on it, since. It is a ponderous chain!'

Scrooge glanced about him on the floor, in the expectation of finding himself surrounded by some fifty or sixty fathoms of iron cable: but he could see nothing.

`Jacob,' he said, imploringly. `Old Jacob Marley, tell me more. Speak comfort to me, Jacob!'

`I have none to give,' the Ghost replied. `It comes from other regions, Ebenezer Scrooge, and is conveyed by other ministers, to other kinds of men...

And so I sent Belle's reply as my own:

For again Scrooge saw himself. He was older now; a man in the prime of life. His face had not the harsh and rigid lines of later years; but it had begun to wear the signs of care and avarice. There was an eager, greedy, restless motion in the eye, which showed the passion that had taken root, and where the shadow of the growing tree would fall.He was not alone, but sat by the side of a fair young girl in a mourning-dress: in whose eyes there were tears, which sparkled in the light that shone out of the Ghost of Christmas Past.

`It matters little,' she said, softly. `To you, very little. Another idol has displaced me; and if it can cheer and comfort you in time to come, as I would have tried to do, I have no just cause to grieve.'

`What Idol has displaced you?' he rejoined.

`A golden one.'Have I ever sought release?'`In words. No. Never.'`In what, then?'`In a changed nature; in an altered spirit; in another atmosphere of life; another Hope as its great end. In everything that made my love of any worth or value in your sight. If this had never been between us,' said the girl, looking mildly, but with steadiness, upon him;' tell me, would you seek me out and try to win me now. Ah, no.'

He seemed to yield to the justice of this supposition, in spite of himself. But he said with a struggle,' You think not.'

`I would gladly think otherwise if I could,' she answered, `Heaven knows. When I have learned a Truth like this, I know how strong and irresistible it must be. But if you were free to-day, to-morrow, yesterday, can even I believe that you would choose a dowerless girl -- you who, in your very confidence with her, weigh everything by Gain: or, choosing her, if for a moment you were false enough to your one guiding principle to do so, do I not know that your repentance and regret would surely follow. I do; and I release you. With a full heart, for the love of him you once were.

He was about to speak; but with her head turned from him, she resumed.`You may -- the memory of what is past half makes me hope you will -- have pain in this. A very, very brief time, and you will dismiss the recollection of it, gladly, as an unprofitable dream, from which it happened well that you awoke. May you be happy in the life you have chosen.'

She left him, and they parted.

And being given this release, he thanked me, said he had needed just this freedom from me and before he turned to go, offered me first place in line for his newly available heart.

Lucky me, but I declined, for he is a free man and I must stay to bury these vows.

Besides, I am not sure he would be able to handle my ex - that man is truly a work of arts.

Twelve Steps

I pulled through the parking space so that the rusted front bumper on my ancient 4x4 lined up with the shiny tail lights of various newer model sedans. Swim against the flow, indeed.

I lingered in the car, checking my reflection in the visor mirror and stalling with my phone, as if the calls I receive are ever not Luis from Indonesia wanting to speak with me about my cable rates or Carmella from "Chicago" congratulating me on winning -again!- the vacation package of a lifetime.

Nice folks, Carmella and Luis. I always look forward to our chats.

There were no new messages since I had put the car in motion three blocks prior, so I shut off the ignition and climbed out into the bleak midwinter. The sun had not shown up today, and the gray blanket of clouds keeping it hidden offered no warmth.

The drizzle that had been dampening the town's spirit all day quickly dissolved my cloak of warmth from the car's heater.

My approach to the double glass doors was heralded in a crunchy staccato rhythm by shoes that had started pinching the minute I put them on. The mist began to clump, rolling large cold raindrops over my uncovered head and down the back of my neck.

I quickened my pace towards what I hoped was a well insulated, centrally-heated building.

It was a not-for-profit organization, so there was no guarantee that comfort could be afforded. It was also an old building, so even if comfort could be afforded, there was no guarantee City Code Enforcement would permit it.

Our hopes are met in a thousand tiny ways each day without us stopping once to acknowledge how disappointed we are not.

The warmth behind the doors pulled me in and began to huff warmth on my fingers and toes , my goose-fleshed neck and the tip of my nose.

~::~

One by one, they introduced themselves.

Clockwise, and one-by-one, the semi-circle shared their struggles with various '-isms' in a slow wave that was to culminate and crash with me at the end of the line. Whether liquid, powdered or pixelated, everyone seemed to be on a first name basis with the master who held their chains. They described dances with temptation, moments of will power and flashes of regret. The immense struggle of 14 different lifetimes, and all since last week's meeting. I was weary on their behalf.

My turn arrived, as I had been anticipating since I'd left my house an hour and a half before.

I cleared my throat and feebly started "My name is... well, my name was... I mean, I guess you don't need to know that, my name is Luellen. Most folks call me Lu."

You've probably seen in movies how the next line is supposed to be "...and I am an alcoholic" to which the circle is supposed to reply "Hello, Lu"

But I did't name my vice and the only thing that met my introduction was the longest two seconds of silence I can remember inhabiting in all my 43 years. By design, that silence encourages you to keep talking, to fill it up so you can sit back down... so I continued "...I'm not an alcoholic and I've never used drugs. I came here because I really need some friends and thought you guys may not be a bad place to start."

I didn't sit back down because I had not stood up, which I now realized would have been a good idea because there was no visible way to indicate that I had said all I cared to. Being on the end of the semi-circle gave me no where to look in expectation for another speaker to begin.

~::~

....maybe I will continue this sometime...

StixTeen

Clay said it all the time. I don’t know if he meant it as a catchphrase, but as often as not and especially when wrapping up a phone call, he said 'Have fun.” where some might place an “I love you.”

As I was looking through all the old photos this morning to embarrass...I mean, celebrate... Fisher on social media- I realized, I did. I had fun. I gave birth to fun on this day sixteen years ago and life has been more fun ever since.