Transparency: Finding Balance Between True and Kind

 [caption id="attachment_266" align="aligncenter" width="533"] Transparency: Finding Balance Between True and Kind[/caption]

Best Laid Plans 

When I first talked with the editors here @Patheos about what I hoped to say from this little cubby hole, I imagined a place where, despite the anxious climate of Earth, we would, to cite the Deep Magic, focus on “what-so-ever things are lovely, good and true, whatever is noble and of a good report…” while connecting friends who find themselves navigating similar waters. 

I imagined bringing hope to someone knee-deep in divorce proceedings, or  comforting the anxious mind of a parent, mid-custody battle.  I wanted to cheer on the homeschooling mom or the back-to-work mom, or the mom whose nest is suddenly too empty. All waters I’ve baled from my own canoe. 

I wanted to use things I had been through to remind others they aren’t alone. 

I still want to. 

I’ve just been working on my tightrope skills. 

How do I say  “I left a bad situation ” without implying the other party was a bad person (or people) ? 

How do I say “This behavior was unacceptable.” without condemning the one(s) who misbehaved? 

And how do I share victories without sounding like a braggart to those in a bind ? 

That’s where I’ve been trying to find my footing lately: finding balance between what has been true and what is kind. 

It has caused me lockjaw

It’s Okay To Say IDK 

I tend towards the fallacy that if I don’t have a thing completely figured out, I have nothing of value to offer.  That is to say, I think I need to be a quantum mechanics professor  before I’m qualified to explain basic math. Which is to further say, I tend to equate value with the ability to explain. I forget that sometimes all we really need is good company.

 Thus, my recent weeks wrestling with writer’s block, attempting to put “sermonizing’ into a headlock. I don’t want to be preachy. I don’t want to be finger-pointy. 

Filling in blanks with explanations or excuses where none exist is a disservice, whether those explanations are for someone else's motivations, my own lack of thoughtfulness or my best guess at what God and Providence are up to.

Good guesses are still just guesses. 

“I don’t know what I was thinking.” 

“I don’t know why they seem to be getting away with it.”

“I don’t know why God allows such things.” 

Perhaps I never will.  A harder truth is this: sometimes I won’t like the answers I find.

In those moments, it's not the answers I need, but a friend.

How much better to say “I don’t know” than to ad lib.  It is more true. It is more kind. 

Searching for answers rather than defending hypotheses creates space to work on these puzzles together. It frees my arms to embrace whatever the truth turns out to be, or to accept there will be things I won’t understand this side of Eternity. 

*Even so, joy. 

To Each His Own  

As I resist the urge to fill in blanks with my best guesses, it is clear that my story is the only one that belongs to me. I can mention people who’ve crossed my path and the effect their choices had on me, but I can only speak for my own responses. Look how the rocks they threw made an altar or a much needed wall. Let me tell you how those darkest nights helped me see the Light. Listen to how I learned what love is by experiencing what it isn’t. 

I am the only one who can tell my story,  so I  am the best person to ask about my motivation in telling it. If my aim is encouragement, must a map of my enemy’s warts be unfolded ?  If encouragement is scarce, perhaps I am  processing something yet unhealed. There are healthy (but different) venues for that. 

This simplifies things a little, but can also leave me with little to say. 

Counterbalance

Counterbalance between true and kind involves taking ownership of my own role in a situation, to the full extent I am aware of the parts I played. 

“I left a bad situation… that I knew better than getting into in the first place.” 

“This  behavior was unacceptable… I could have  addressed it sooner - or more directly.” 

"I should have said no."

I must clean up behind the pets that are mine. 

When I remember my need for gentleness and grace, I am more apt to offer it to others.

Extending compassion when someone was less than their best self comes more abundantly if I offer grace as I'd like to receive it. 

I want to be known by more than my worst days. I must acknowledge Imago Dei in others. 

Forward Movement

My inclination to avoid retractions and apologies comes from eating shoe leather and giant slices of crow too many times in the past. 

Whether strong opinions upended, wrong understandings made clear or the simple act of growing up, I’m a walking biome of change. 

We’re vastly different planets, shaped like you and me. Our climates are different, our seasons are not always aligned.  

The laws of gravity in  my curious world keep everything revolving around me. You are the center of gravity in the universe of you. 

I keep my balance by remembering I’m not the same as I was even one rotation ago, nothing is. 

Rooms I have wept in have been torn down. I am learning and learning (and learning)  to forgive. 

We keep moving forward and, hopefully, on. 

Boundaries Are Kind

Not long ago, I got up early on a perfectly-good-for-sleeping-in Saturday-morning and took my daughter to learn about snakes at  a local nature park. She loves snakes!

Before hiking the woody trail in search of Slytherin friends, we viewed a slideshow about identifying snakes. 

A disturbing trend emerged: many non-venomous snakes look so similar to venomous snakes, one has to get within strike-zone to tell the difference. Non-venomous snakes adapt their natural patterns to look like venomous snakes to keep predators away. 

Venomous or not, snakes prefer to be admired from afar. 

Many people have distinctive patterns, too. Whether born that way  or adapted to survive,  it is okay - and even wise - to keep a healthy distance from toxic patterns. 

No Fault Nature 

A python meets a mouse, gives him a hug then has him in for dinner. 

We may feel for the mouse, but we don't fault a snake for doing what snakes do.  See also: lions and tigers and bears (Oh, my!) 

Humans, too. 

It is the nature of some things to be unpleasant, like conflicts and jellyfish stings. 

It is in the nature of mankind to be selfish, especially in the midst of unpleasant things. 

Balancing what is kind with what has been true, telling only my story without adding guesses and taking the nature of venomous humans in stride, I bear this profundity in mind: “It is what it is. “ 

And it will be whatever I make of it.  So, let me be kind. 

 

 

* Even So, Joy is the title of a book by my friend about the loss of her infant daughter

 

One Good Thing: A Scavenger Hunt For Joy

 

::click links for an immersive simulation of real-time conversation with somewhat distractible me. You may want to read straight through one time first::

Little Is Much

In one of my favorite childhood books, “McBroom Tells A Lie,” by Sid Fleischman  protagonist Josh McBroom is swindled into buying an eighty acre farm only to find all eighty acres run vertically- that is, one on top of the other. 

This bad break leaves McBroom, his wife and their eleven children living and working on a fun-sized one acre farm. But that one acre? It’s miraculously fertile. So, Josh and his family make the most of their lot in life (Yes, I see it- an intentional pun.)  Not content with having swindled the McBroom family fortune, Hector “Heck” Jones, the sly-old-fox neighbor, begins  smuggling the miraculously rich soil one barefoot toe-pinch at a time. 

It has been a decade (or three) since I owned that book, so I can’t give you a complete recap of the story, (at least, not until the middle of next week, when my “used-but-good-condition” copy arrives from Amazon) but I am sure that McBroom bests his nemesis in the end. 

The McBroom family understood making much of little, and “Heck” Jones understood the incremental approach to gaining ground. (pun emphatically intended) 

Anyone who has put a stalling child to bed, asked them to do chores or leave a playground is likely acquainted with the Heck Jones method, too.  

“Just five more minutes…please?! ”

Lays Potato Chips have been hedging their bets on Heck for years:

“Betcha can’t ___ ___ ___!” 

And don’t,  just do not, make eye contact with those kiosk attendants offering samples in the mall - they’ll take every cent you have. 

When Heck’s around, less is always more: paper cuts, cayenne, wasabi, stubbed toes, snubbed noses and people knocking at the door. 

It Only Takes A Spark

But little is much when God is in it, mini is so often mighty.  

A boy with his slingshot…”and the giant came tumbling down.” 

A meager lunch, unselfishly offered …in Messiah’s hands: a buffet with doggy bags besides. 

Mustard seed faith moving  mountains to the sea.   

The whole arms-wide-open world saved by a little baby. 

What if we chose to believe that little things are sufficient to cause big change? 

We might 

• Achieve new goals
• Implement healthy routines 
• Improve our outlook 
• Love the life we’ve been gifted

One Good Thing 

Many years ago, the high school group I worked with would take requests before closing in prayer. 

I began to notice that the girls were leaving the group carrying not only  the weight of their own concerns, but now those of their friends as well. Things just felt heavy as we all headed home. 

The collective weight of our burdens outweighed our joy in the Lord which, we are told, is the source of our  strength. We hadn’t been counterbalancing our requests  with gratitude or celebration. 

That’s when we started playing One Good Thing. 

After prayer requests, and the last  “Amen” we started to go around the circle to share one good thing from our week. It could be anything at all. It didn’t have to be super spiritual or a major accomplishment, just something to be glad about. 

Soon, our meetings were ending on a lighter note, and the time in between meetings became a scavenger hunt for joys to share the next time. 

One Good Thing is just a little game, but it can be one Heck of a game changer, too. 

Consider this your official invitation to play. 

Baby Steps 

“It means setting small, reasonable goals for yourself. One day at a time. One tiny step at a time”  ~Dr. Leo Marvin 

Over the years, I’ve led anxious friends and family through countless rounds of One Good Thing. It's the kind of game you sometimes need others to initiate, but it's not just a game for others. It is an essential practice for me.  

Whenever I begin commiserating with those portions of the Psalms that invite the good Lord to break my enemies teeth, or, in the words of Melville, “Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off--then, I account it high time to… (wade into a sea of good things)...”

Gratitude, however,  is not just an antidote for my bad days. It is a prevention and cure essential to cultivate every day. 

 On brighter days, when no temptation to knock hats off beset me, tiny toe-pinches of joy are easier to find and tuck away for a rainy day. Then, when the rainy days arrive, as they are wont to do,  my reflex to reach for pocketed light is well-trained.

One by One 

There is nothing wrong with a list containing only one good thing. 

I have known seasons where one was an exceeding large number. 

Like fruits or flowers in season, there may be times where one solitary bloom is all that you can find. Just remember, when it isn’t peak peach picking season,  canned will also do.

Conversely, I have found the more I look for good things the more there are to be found. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, as it were...

There is no limit to how many good things we can collect and preserve for tomorrow, no threshold for how tiny a joy can be. They are all perfectly ripe and sweet as can be.

Finders Keepers

One of my favorite moments in life occurs only occasionally: when I’m at the sink to wash dishes and a flurry of tiny bubbles fly up from the soap bottle. Even more sublime is when these perfect little spheres kiss sunbeams and cast an iridescent shine. 

I am always washing dishes or scrubbing some unclean thing when they appear. It doesn’t happen each and every time and the bubbles aren’t magic like those scrubbing fellas from the bathroom . I still have to- er, get to - be the one to wash the dishes. Baby bubbles don’t transform dish washing into a beloved pastime - but for a moment, they make me happy and transform my state of mind:  “Thank you God for dishes to eat from and water to wash them in; for soap and especially the tininess of bubbles. Amen.”

Another  pocket-sized joy I carry with me is the fleeting sound of silence when my car goes through an underpass in just the right amount of rain. It is a rare and delightful moment; one that makes me turn the radio down. Like my tiny dish bubbles, it is only possible in favorable- or, as it were, unfavorable conditions. A veritable white rabbit sprinting by. One must anticipate the moment to appreciate it. 

Here on Earth, we have a boundless supply of good things for finders to keep. My own collection rivals Ariel’s grotto, though these two favorites never run aground. They are often replenished by another load of dishes or a rainy day drive ‘neath  hushing bridges, so there’s plenty to go around. Don’t be shy friend, break off a square and stuff your pockets with joy. 

Precept Upon Precept

[caption id="attachment_113" align="aligncenter" width="333"] 

Mental Jui Jitsu: Taking every thought captive[/caption]

Just as learning to sound out one little letter “A” led me to the endless adventures and rewards of reading, looking for good things in every situation has expanded my way of thinking and being. 

It is not unusual now  for me to think through a  list of “ Ten Things I Accomplished Today” as I settle in for sleep. It is just one of the many thought exercises in my regular rotation of mental Jiu Jitsu that grew from playing One Good Thing

(not to mention the premise for this blog )

Some others:  

• Five Enemies To Pray For  
• People to Pray For A-Z
• An Alphabetized List of Answered Prayers 
• Ten Good Things That Are True Even In The Apocalypse
• Lovely Things No Bigger Than A Bunny
• Lovely Things Much Bigger Than A Bunny

In some of my most unfavorable conditions, I reached through the stupors of insomnia, and wrapped my kickdrum heart in good things like so many weighted blankets. 

It helped. 

Practicing gratitude has taught me to take my fraught thoughts captive. I control my thoughts, not the other way around.  It leads me to choose at least one action by day that I feel good about by night. 

On very bleak days, perhaps I can only celebrate  brushing my teeth or taking a walk. There have certainly been days with shorter lists than that. Indeed,  I have tossed and turned many a listless night. (just right there in the o-pun,for all to see)

But with time and intention, my lists and good habits grow and I am soon adrift in restful sleep long before my list is through. 

Practice Makes Progress … Not Perfection.

As Bob Wiley discovered when he took Dr. Leo Marvin’s aforementioned advice,

“It works! All I have to do is take one little step at a time and I can do anything!” 

Yet everything wasn’t instantly better. If it had been, we'd have a lot less movie to enjoy. Bob had to apply the principle to each new challenge he encountered. 

So it goes with collecting good things - be it one or many.

 

We don’t live in a conveniently scripted world. There are limits to what focusing on good things can do;  there isn't a cosmic exchange rate for positivity, excepting maybe peace. 

Remembering to notice bird song will not your mortgage pay.  Guard your expectations. 

Unpleasant work and grim realities must still be met head on. Rainy days will still come, as they are wont to do.

Unfavorable conditions may persist, but look around when they do - you just may discover tiny wonders, too.  

 

Let your gaze rest on the good things in life . Be reminded that this marvelous, mysterious planet we share is brimming with awe and art, including incredible you. 

 

So... how about it, then? What good earth will you pinch between your toes today ?

It can be anything, anything at all.  There is no such thing as a joy too small. 

*and if you clicked even some of those links, God bless your weary soul.

Just imagine being me... awash in all this  soup 

Pretty Good Report: An Introduction To The New Kid on the Blogs

 

Hello! Welcome to Pretty Good Report, a recent addition to the Patheos sphere.  I’m your lowly columnist, KB.  If the world is a shadowy, cobwebbed corner, I am the little girl in time-out, befriending a talking spider.  And if Patheos is the Neighborhood of Make-Me-Believe, then I am the new kid on the blogs, donning a zippy red sweater.  When offered the opportunity to share from this platform, I considered whether the things I say on loop in my intimate circles are worth amplifying and repeating to virtual strangers (hopefully, soon-to-be-friends). A few of my favorite “Soundtracks” came to mind: 

Whatever is true. 

Whatever is lovely. 

Whatever is of good report. 

These are definitely worth repeating to anyone with ears that actively hear. So, welcome. I’m glad you’re here and I hope we’ll be friends. I don’t know any magic words to make life easier, but perhaps, from time to time, I’ll string a choice few together that brighten your day or widen your smile. Perhaps, you’ll find a few worth sharing with friends who need a little encouragement.  I’d love to be found resourceful that way.  I can’t promise any “mic drop” moments, though there’s bound to be plenty of fumbling, mumbling and misplaced lines. But, joy is a choice and happiness is light, well-scattered. I feel I am up to that, at least, I think I can manage a little every once in awhile. And sometimes, a little is all it takes. Have you ever seen the stars? Or a drop of spectrum-y light through a crystal chandelier? A little can go an awful long way. 

Who exactly am I? 

It’s a great question; one I explore anew each day.  While some of the answers I find are deeply rooted, others continually grow and change.   For example, at the time of this writing, I’m a 40s-something single mom. See there? Here’s just what I mean:  my age will change, my marital status may or may not ever change and my role as mom  both evolves and remains unchanged.  I’ve been a stepmom, a stay-at-home mom, a work-evening-shifts-to-make-ends-meet married mom, a homeschooling mom, and now a work-whatever-shifts-to-make-ends-meet single mom.  My five children range in age from 12 - 29. I love them all so much… in so many, different ways. 

What exactly do I believe?

Jesus is a friend of mine. I try to be a follower of His.  I was raised in the home of a pastor who is human but not a hypocrite. He has been both bi-vocational and completely at the mercy of merciless members.  I’ve worn various denominational hats over the years, though I tend to eschew labels for most things, save freezer food and canned goods There are stories to be told there, but mostly there has been Mercy and Grace.  I’ve been the foolish Prodigal, the self-righteous Sibling and the hopeful Parent. It is possible to be more than one of these at a time. In fact, you can be all three simultaneously.   I’ll have to tell you about it sometime.  I have deconstructed, reconstructed and come to understand that we are the Church- both Body and Building, with hands and feet for service and songs of praise, lifted higher than a steeple.  My little brother is my pastor now, and every couple of weeks, I get to hang out in 4-year-old Sunday School with some of the top theologians in the Kingdom. I cannot wait to show you our felt board.  There's so much to look forward to! Meanwhile, let's make the most of this beautiful day - come on in and make yourself at home. I'll get the kettle going.  Adventure awaits and discoveries abound!  I'm looking forward to getting to know y'all.