Six eggs were attacked Thursday morning in what authorities are treating as a hate crime. The eggs were stripped, beaten and cannibalized, leaving no survivors and only a handful of crusty clues as to the motives behind the attack. The remains of a sandwich discovered at the scene is currently being examined and lab results will be published on the local scale within the week. The six eggs (also known as Half A Dozen to some) had hard-core reputations in the Fridge suburb and it is highly likely that they were singled out purely because of their vibrant, hippy colors and tough, hard shell personalities. Six white eggs in a neighboring compartment were left unharmed.
The Humane Association for Treating Eggs Nice held a press conference on Friday morning. HATEN's founder, H.Dumpty issued his condolences and challenged the community to "be the king's horses, be the kings men- put this community together again" Dumpty went on to say " We've been scrambled! We've been fried! We've been boiled in large cauldrons! And it's time we quit being over easy! Should we expect anything less than robes of gold foil? Hide us under a bushel? NO! Pickle us and preserve us for all time? We aren't pigs' feet! They may see us as deviled but it is time to roll forth with dignity, to refuse to be carried in spoons across grassy lawns. Ovum and Zygotes alike, hear me now, 'tis better to burst your own shell than to allow yourself to be launched in the barbarian act of "tossing"
In an ironic twist, Mr. Dumpty fell off the wall from which he was speaking immediately after this statement. Witnesses and Law Eggforcement at the scene are trying to piece together whether the act was intentional or if it is likely that H. Dumpty was poached.
A free egg substitute campaign has been hatched and will run as long as the violence continues against real eggs- or until the timer dings. Until then, one oval shaped community is walking on egg shells.