Ordinary Life

Hindsight, you speak as clearly as you see. It was all too much, these words hurled at me.  I have collected each kindling line and here, set them aflame.  There is music in the crackling, the burning and  lifting away I hum along, louder now:  "... it is well..."  LAST YEAR WITH LARRY (by Larry, with his phone )  You are a psycho. Everyone knows it You are just someone I use to know You are not a VERY stable person. Your family is a cult. You will lie and cheat to get your way.  You attack anyone that disagrees with you You are on the bi-polar kick today I see. You really need some help I’m not saying that to be mean. You really need to get checked out I just simply no longer loved you Less of you is more for me You are just crazy Get in the real world Nope. I’m not going down your crazy rabbit hole. You were the problem in this marriage. I now believe that 1000%. You are not mentally stable and have major issues.  I pray for our kids you get hel...

It's been a year since his gifts returned but I could not... gifts for being their father, returned in protest because I was their mother.  ::Laswell ~ It's been a year::

Dear Three, Hi, I'm Deuce. We haven't met yet, but we will. I've known about you long before auditions began. And I've always told him I aim to be your friend. There are children involved, after all. You are no doubt lovely, and gentle and kind. He has top-shelf taste though his budget is sometimes inflated. He says he is going to wife you soon; very, very soon he tells me. Perhaps sometime in early October, when my birthday rolls around. I think he intends that to stun and sting. But I am already quite numb from the earlier blows. Though we are not exactly divorced yet, I tried that whole  kinstugi  thing. The gold we found in  Rome 's mountains could not heal or seal us, and all the  King's horses and Prince Simon's men , couldn't put us back together again. It takes both sides holding their broken parts, together. While I must note the ease with which two decades have been discarded, it is only a reminder for myself. You must not read into my tone a l...

Many of you are aware of the current situation that our family is walking through. Many of you have been praying and offering help and encouragement. It is so very appreciated. As are all the kindnesses extended our way. The court date was today and while I will skip all the nitty-gritty details inappropriate for mass consumption, I find updating everyone at once a more efficient option just now. A quick overview for all those who've been checking in on us : First- it has been mentioned before, but bears repeating again that there is no hatred for my adversary. A lack of agreement, yes. Human frustration, also a resounding yes. But hatred, no. There will be another court date in December and some exploration of the issues at hand in the interim. Meanwhile, the children and I are legally protected and provided for by a wise and honorable judge. Not to mention my lawyer, who is truly a gentleman and a scholar. I'd be lost without him. His team is an invaluable asset and I am grat...

Regarding certain recent events, I copy over an entry from an old blog, written at the time with my mother-in-law in mind and stretching out to fit any and all who may find a balm in forgiveness, from themselves and/or others: https://blynk107.wordpress.com/2007/07/27/would-it-help/ Would It Help? This entry was posted on 7.27.07, in  Uncategorized . Bookmark the  permalink . Leave a comment (Edit) This forum here- I feel I must excuse, explain it all again- this place is for me. I come here and I scream in the only way I know how. I ask questions that otherwise wouldn’t leave my lips… I fool myself that being here makes it all safe to give a voice. Dumbo had a feather to help him soar — I have this wee little blog (and additional hang ups that we’ll discuss some other, far off day.) I probably don’t need this feather, (or those) … but until I am sure, I grasp them tightly in my trunk…. Big Exhale Here. Would it make a difference, if we listed your sins and excused you from ea...

Regarding certain recent events, I copy over an entry from an older blog:  https://blynk107.wordpress.com/2007/07/12/pockets-and-bad-breath/ pockets and bad breath This entry was posted on 7.12.07, in  Uncategorized . Bookmark the  permalink . Leave a comment (Edit) It was one of those highlights of motherhood…booster shots at the health department, last in line and four shots delinquent. There was nothing child friendly in the sparse waiting room, only the vending machines served as a distraction, and then, not for long. The walls were papered with the typical bi-lingual informative posters,with topics ranging from cancer to teen pregnancy; a child could learn a lot ( too much!) just waiting on school booster shots. One poster had briefly caught my eye, advertising a teen smoking   hot line , fringed at the bottom with little rip off numbers- handy for any who may want to call in for help. I wondered whether it was a very effective medium with which to rea...

She said "I'm a little homesick" I asked her what she was missing the most. "Those big pretzels and cheese dip" Ah, the pretzels as big as one's head from Bierhouse. The online inquiry for local German/Euro restaurants returned three results. One did not have pretzels. One was already closed. The last one was the restaurant where her father and I had gone on our first date. Of course. So, we got pretzels. She was comforted. And we left with a few new friends. But the defining moment may have been when, after the clamor associated with being seated subsided, came playing softly through the speakers: " Maybe I didn't treat you q uite as good as I should have,  Maybe I didn't love you q uite as often as I could have... Little things I should have said and done,  I just never took the time... You were always on my mind...you were always on my mind..." Ha.

Select MorningPage entries before the canvas tore...

In the ongoing effort to digitize, analyze and immortalize the random thoughts from past journals, I archive now The Blue One.  We lived in Fernandina Beach at this time. THE BLUE JOURNAL (click to enter)  What wonders and wanders await within? 

"Leaving Sandy's By The Shore" Circa 2012(ish) The Orange Journal   (click to enter)  Excerpt: a letter drafted by C and typed by me ~ back when he'd had enough  (...for a little while, anyway...) 

Two decades should be long enough to know someone, at least a little bit. Two decades should qualify as long-suffering enough, too. I am not sure if I’ve ‘run a good race’ or ‘fought a good fight’ I only know I am tired of running and fighting. A finish line - one drawn in shifting sands- has been crossed. There are no winners here. Dim hope; miraculous restoration. Of course, but oh-so-very dim. We tried it already, I went all in. You call it your biggest mistake, I’m not sure it will stick again. Remember that post-it note analogy? That was a fair and accurate warning. For a long, long time - too long, my dear-  I’ve been living by this law you wrote: Prove me wrong, or I’m right. Withheld pearls makes for suspicious swine. But I am trampled every time. “You live a secret, double life. You’re a fraud.  No longer my wife.” As you wish. Today, I repent my my intentional duplicity, lay down my brush for silver lining . You be you, no gloss added. The windows and doors are open,...

Sometimes that Sunday Morning sermon releases homing pigeons... https://youtu.be/NB2CNr692RE I put this clip here a handful of Sundays ago as a placeholder, for it contained an exact quote from someone very close to me - one might even say, part of me - and I hadn’t known what to do with that conversation. Now, I think I do. 

Once upon a time, someone I know was having a very bad day. In fact, it had been a rotten week, and a rotten month, and come to think of it, when had anything ever really been a good at all?! He couldn’t remember. And so, because holidays can illuminate our prickly branches, and because the opportunity was sitting right there amongst the branches like a shiny wrapped present for the taking, my friend threw the Christmas tree, who for the record, was not being much help, down a flight of stairs. Throwing the tree, stubborn as it was, didn’t fix anything, in fact, it broke more things, including the fragile ornaments shaped like children’s hearts, but for all of three seconds, my friend was focused on something other than his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad life.  For the rest of the season however, he was secretly known as The Grinch.  What can one say?  CindyLoo Who calls it like she sees it.  She hasn’t learned nuance, yet.  But they are only alike to a p...