hindsight

Hindsight, you speak

as clearly as you see.

It was all too much,

these words hurled at me. 

I have collected each kindling line

and here, set them aflame. 

There is music in the crackling, the burning and

 lifting away

I hum along, louder now:

 "... it is well..."

 LAST YEAR WITH LARRY

(by Larry, with his phone) 

You are a psycho. Everyone knows it
You are just someone I use to know
You are not a VERY stable person.

Your family is a cult. You will lie and cheat to get your way. 

You attack anyone that disagrees with you

You are on the bi-polar kick today I see. You really need some help

I’m not saying that to be mean. You really need to get checked out

I just simply no longer loved you
Less of you is more for me
You are just crazy
Get in the real world

Nope. I’m not going down your crazy rabbit hole.

You were the problem in this marriage. I now believe that 1000%.

You are not mentally stable and have major issues. 

I pray for our kids you get help.

I’m sorry I hurt you. I hope you forgive me one day. I’ve never wanted to hurt you

You’re a sick individual.

If you only knew what some people close around you thought about your actions
You failed our kids so much
We both know who you are
Getting a police report
You’ve made all of this so much harder than needed

Your son doesn’t even want you to know where he’s going. Now that’s sad

I don’t care why you left. I’m just thankful you did. 

You can be someone else’s bat shit crazy girl. I’m good

Your are not a good person and thankfully others have started to see this.
You failed me and our kids.

I divorced you because your bat shit crazy, I didn’t love you anymore

I’m not mad at you. I don’t hate you. I still pray for you daily.

I wish you would just listen, 

but you fancy yourself on thinking your the smartest person in the room.

You’ll answer to someone one day

Your a hateful person and someone I no longer have room for in my life.

It will be a glorious day when we no longer have much interaction.

Then you add your nasty family on top of that. 

To be honest you can thank your family for 75% of divorce

No I know my neglect played apart I see that now

Your a nasty human
Your petty

I hope one day in your life you will listen.

 It cost you so much by just not listening to people

I need you out of my life because you are a negative person and then manipulator and just a badperson

I love you and want to work on US so bad

You are your daddy’s girl.

Daddy finally gave baby girl the wrong advice
You are a liar
You are the biggest fraud
Your really starting to lose it
You need mental help

lunatic

I regret the mean comments I definitely didn’t mean them 

And wish I could take them back

You are sick. You need help
You will never understand
dumb ass
They don’t like you
I don’t want to see you

I don’t recognize who you have become. You are not the person I married

To be honest what am I losing? A manipulator, liar , a cheater

You are walking out on this family. 

Hiding behind the BS child abuse narrative.

I hated our marriage. It was an disaster at best.

 I'm glad you finally listened and left

I neglected you. I am sorry. Period Now you have to deal with that. It’s your choice

You are the liar

You absolutely are a bad person. 

You are a liar

You are a liar and always have been
You are a adult. Act like one

Same ole K. You can’t be trusted

11:33 on Friday and you are out and a bout
You have self worth issues

You have self beauty issues

I really apologize for my words. I am being honest
If I could take them back I would.
Unreal you are all over the place

Integrity is really not your strong point

My only request is you come HOME. I will meet all your request
You are safe
We need to attend church regularly
We need family time

The locks have been changed.

Your son plans to testify against you

You are such a fraud

Y’all are a cult and I plan to expose it

I will never neglect your love again
I will never use a negative word to describe my best friend again
I will apologize to our kids about tearing you down

And explain how that was wrong

For the most untrustworthy person in my life. You sure do love that word
You can’t even do math
Hope ur new man will love you from jail.
You just wait.

I was never your love

I can honestly say, you never loved me like I loved you

Those words were anger word that are not meant
Your value dropped long ago in my eyes.

I love you but

I absolutely hate everything about you. 

You are just a bat shit crazy piece of poop.

 I can't wait to be back in court

You are a complete psycho. You really need help

Your kids absolutely hate you. I wish it wasn't that way. 

I really hope for all y'all sake it doesn't last forever.

Get ready to spend some serious cash. 

I will sell everything I have to stop you

You're crazy
I don't love you

Hate to see the non code house have to be torn down. Your choice
Stop being an ass. Get over yourself. 

It will take me time to understand you do want this.
You could have stopped it

She knows more about me than you ever will know.

You know me better than anyone

You are and always have been a lair.

I can’t believe I stayed 20yrs with you . What a waste of my life.
If you only knew what most people thought about you

Can’t believe you felt unloved.

You know I really don’t want the kids to see you arrested 

by the police no matter what you say to them they’re going to arrest you. 

Whether you’re right or wrong they are going to process you
Then you’re going to sit in there for a minimum of 

probably 24 hours before you can get bailed out

I can honestly say for 20 years, through it all I LOVED you, but I question that now

I hope you get married, pregnant or something so you will leave me the hell a lone

I love you k and I will with all my soul until that last paper is signed
Just so you hear it from me first. I'm getting married again Oct 12th
She knows about you.
She’s an amazing girl and is beyond amazing to our kids. 

She is the most drama free girl I’ve ever met
I’m in love with her. We plan to get married in March of next year

I’m in MAJOR love with her. She is my new world.

Your kids absolutely love her and she is really nice to them

Plus I've never talked to anyone 

while we were married or even attempted too

Your son hates you

So nice to not be married to a kid any more.
The real world is so much better these days

It’s on now. I’m going after everything and everyone.

It’s officially a WAR now.

Wait the kids will be testify next go around

During this process, what I knew and thought about you 

has been confirmed by me and others

I care NOTHING about you and I mean NOTHING

I’m definitely ok in the love department

I hope you get help so the kids can LOVE you too

you better be prepared

I pray you will find someone that will love you

I love GOD and have him in the right place in my life

If this is what it takes for me to feel true love or happy. 

Than GOD give it to me. 

It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life; 

for I am not better than my fathers.

You’ve made discarding 20 years very easy.

I really feel sorry for you.

get a fucking life

sorry ass mom

If you could hit a re-boot button or re-do button, would you?

~~~

Dear Larry, 

       No. 

Sincerely,

         ~k 

It's been a year...

It's been a year since his gifts returned but I could not... gifts for being their father, returned in protest because I was their mother. 

::Laswell ~ It's been a year::

Dear Three: To The Woman Dating My Husband

Dear Three,



Hi, I'm Deuce. We haven't met yet, but we will.

I've known about you long before auditions began.

And I've always told him I aim to be your friend.

There are children involved, after all.



You are no doubt lovely, and gentle and kind.

He has top-shelf taste though his budget is sometimes inflated.

He says he is going to wife you soon; very, very soon he tells me.

Perhaps sometime in early October,

when my birthday rolls around.



I think he intends that to stun and sting.

But I am already quite numb from the earlier blows.



Though we are not exactly divorced yet, I tried that whole kinstugi thing.

The gold we found in Rome's mountains could not heal or seal us, and all the King's horses and Prince Simon's men, couldn't put us back together again.

It takes both sides holding their broken parts, together.



While I must note the ease with which two decades have been discarded, it is only a reminder for myself.

You must not read into my tone a longing or desire to change this tide.

To call him back to my side.



We don't crash onto such shores without first losing a battle with the raging sea.

This letter is simply a note of welcome, a word of warning, if needed.



Have you met Ace, yet ?

I would call her One, but he often said "I've got to look out for number One" when referring to himself and his life's affairs. I believe you will find this to be one of the most accurate statements of all .



There was a time we were not permitted to speak of Ace, nor the son she bore him in their youth.

You'll find she is nice, and lovely and gentle and kind...



More in common than you'll realize at first.

There will be differences, but more-so, similarities.



In the beginning, she offered a similar courtesy to me, though she was more brief and to the point:

"He's a liar and I don't care who he dates" she said.



She was finished then as I am now.

He leaves you no choice but to be.

You'll see, eventually.



I know stories will differ, mileage will vary.

Even now, he would have me believe his own fanciful versions of the story we were both there for, assigning himself roles of both victim and hero, while I am cast as villain.



Some days, he is nearly successful at convincing even me.

If I hadn't seen his fingerprints wrapped around young throats for myself, or if I could forget that night in Kentucky, my own breath obstructed as he carried me down our hall by my head, almost he'd persuade even me.



He recently shared with our youngest daughter during visitation, a version where I set out in search of some love, new.

"I didn't do this," he told her  "it was your mom who left me."



She is young, but not too young to remember the yelling and the fear he doused our home in, the struck match of grabbed throats and the hold-your-breath encounters when he wasn't very kind.



She remembers the Christmas tree, sailing down the stairs and the splinters of wood when he killed that dining room chair.

After all, it wasn't even that long ago.

She remembers him telling us all to go... and stay the heck gone, too.



He likes to say he hopes I find what I was looking for.

I was looking for safety and an end to the anger, to the constant battling our home had become.

I didn't find it and I don't walk away feeling his best was done by me.



Still, I wish you both the best and all the happiness that may be had under such circumstances.



May this third time be his charm.

An Update & Gratitude Shower

Many of you are aware of the current situation that our family is walking through.

Many of you have been praying and offering help and encouragement.

It is so very appreciated. As are all the kindnesses extended our way.

The court date was today and while I will skip all the nitty-gritty details inappropriate for mass consumption, I find updating everyone at once a more efficient option just now.

A quick overview for all those who've been checking in on us :

First- it has been mentioned before, but bears repeating again that there is no hatred for my adversary.

A lack of agreement, yes. Human frustration, also a resounding yes. But hatred, no.

There will be another court date in December and some exploration of the issues at hand in the interim.

Meanwhile, the children and I are legally protected and provided for by a wise and honorable judge.

Not to mention my lawyer, who is truly a gentleman and a scholar. I'd be lost without him.

His team is an invaluable asset and I am grateful for every single one of them. Especially 'Little Lady Gray' who had a ready smile for me so early in the morning and totally deserves a bunny rabbit!

So thankful for each and every one of you. 

Thank you for loving and caring about us. We love you back, and fierce.

The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.

Proverbs 18:17 

Would It Help ~ from the archives

Regarding certain recent events, I copy over an entry from an old blog, written at the time with my mother-in-law in mind and stretching out to fit any and all who may find a balm in forgiveness, from themselves and/or others:https://blynk107.wordpress.com/2007/07/27/would-it-help/

Would It Help?

This entry was posted on 7.27.07, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment(Edit)

This forum here- I feel I must excuse, explain it all again- this place is for me. I come here and I scream in the only way I know how. I ask questions that otherwise wouldn’t leave my lips… I fool myself that being here makes it all safe to give a voice.

Dumbo had a feather to help him soar — I have this wee little blog (and additional hang ups that we’ll discuss some other, far off day.)

I probably don’t need this feather, (or those) … but until I am sure, I grasp them tightly in my trunk….

Big Exhale Here.

Would it make a difference, if we listed your sins and excused you from each individually. Is that what you need to happen?

Sex Before Marriage?
Child Out Of Wedlock?
Drunkenness?
Debauchery?
Lewdness?
Lying and Lasciviousness?
Gambling?
Greed?
Lust?
Adultery?

What if there were nothing you could say to make Love go away?
No face too dirty, no act too desperate….
Would bitterness still taunt you? Would you continue to gnash the flesh of all who dare come near you?

It seems to me that no one hates you as much as you hate yourself.

Who are you to hold that against yourself, eh?

What if I told you that there is Someone who loves you even when I must draw the line? Would you want that Love, or do you prefer your state of misery?

You’ve been forgiven despite all that taints your memory, all that haunts your soul… yes, all of it. Would it blow your mind for me to say, you’ve been forgiven for the things you’ve yet to do tomorrow?

Now, if I could only drop this foolish feather, fly up beside you and whisper this in your ear. If only you would hear me and see how beautiful life can be.

Lay down your arms! Cast your burdens all on me….no, no, I mean on Him…

You can- if you would, if you will…

There is nothing to lose besides a crooked crutch- and all the world to gain.

Pockets & Bad Breath ~ from the archives

Regarding certain recent events, I copy over an entry from an older blog: https://blynk107.wordpress.com/2007/07/12/pockets-and-bad-breath/

pockets and bad breath

This entry was posted on 7.12.07, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment(Edit)

It was one of those highlights of motherhood…booster shots at the health department, last in line and four shots delinquent. There was nothing child friendly in the sparse waiting room, only the vending machines served as a distraction, and then, not for long.

The walls were papered with the typical bi-lingual informative posters,with topics ranging from cancer to teen pregnancy; a child could learn a lot ( too much!) just waiting on school booster shots.

One poster had briefly caught my eye, advertising a teen smoking  hot line, fringed at the bottom with little rip off numbers- handy for any who may want to call in for help. I wondered whether it was a very effective medium with which to reach out to others- I wondered if anyone ever called.

My eldest sidled up to me, freshly returned from his latest venture to the vending machine (” If I HAD money, I’d buy that bag of chips…”) and handed me one of the aforementioned phone number slips.

He said, ” This is for Daddy, it says ‘Need help quitting?’ and Dad does, so I’ll give him one and he can call it”

He went on to explain ” You know, for his drinking and that, well, you know, that breath he comes in with. . . it’s bad”

I told him that, HE, Chandler, would have to be the one that opened that particular can of worms…

He promptly got 4 or 5 more phone number slips and crammed them in each of his pockets, wondering aloud as he re-read the poster ” But I DO wonder what tobacco has to do with drinking”

You see, he had gotten so caught up with the notion that he may have found a solution to something he currently sees as a big problem, he was so taken with the “Get Help Quitting” part the tobacco was secondary and a small matter in comparison.

I thought about a lot of things at this point but thought better to say anything aloud. I was slightly humored, mostly saddened.

The mission was long forgotten and -from what I can tell-abandoned by the time we reached home. There is an issue that remains, but I don’t know how to approach it, or if it would even be worth it to try. But I wish, for starters, that you’d check your son’s pockets-there are questions and fears there, but more importantly, there is love.

Homesick

She said "I'm a little homesick"

I asked her what she was missing the most.

"Those big pretzels and cheese dip"

Ah, the pretzels as big as one's head from Bierhouse.

The online inquiry for local German/Euro restaurants returned three results.

One did not have pretzels.

One was already closed.

The last one was the restaurant where her father and I had gone on our first date.

Of course.

So, we got pretzels.

She was comforted.

And we left with a few new friends.

But the defining moment may have been when, after the clamor associated with being seated subsided, came playing softly through the speakers:

"Maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should have, Maybe I didn't love you quite as often as I could have...Little things I should have said and done, I just never took the time...You were always on my mind...you were always on my mind..."



Ha.

Mornings Before

Select MorningPage entries before the canvas tore...

The Blue Journal

In the ongoing effort to digitize, analyze and immortalize the random thoughts from past journals, I archive now The Blue One. 

We lived in Fernandina Beach at this time.

THE BLUE JOURNAL

(click to enter) 

What wonders and wanders await within? 

The Orange Journal

"Leaving Sandy's By The Shore"

Circa 2012(ish)

The Orange Journal 

(click to enter) 

Excerpt: a letter drafted by C and typed by me ~ back when he'd had enough 

(...for a little while, anyway...) 

Secret Life: An Introduction

Two decades should be long enough to know someone, at least a little bit.

Two decades should qualify as long-suffering enough, too.



I am not sure if I’ve ‘run a good race’ or ‘fought a good fight’

I only know I am tired of running and fighting.



A finish line - one drawn in shifting sands- has been crossed.

There are no winners here.



Dim hope; miraculous restoration.

Of course, but oh-so-very dim.



We tried it already, I went all in.

You call it your biggest mistake, I’m not sure it will stick again.



Remember that post-it note analogy?

That was a fair and accurate warning.



For a long, long time - too long, my dear-  I’ve been living by this law you wrote:

Prove me wrong, or I’m right.



Withheld pearls makes for suspicious swine.

But I am trampled every time.



“You live a secret, double life.

You’re a fraud.

 No longer my wife.”



As you wish.



Today, I repent my my intentional duplicity, lay down my brush for silver lining .

You be you, no gloss added.



The windows and doors are open, I’ll not close them.

It is far too nice out there.

Creature Preacher

Sometimes that Sunday Morning sermon releases homing pigeons...

https://youtu.be/NB2CNr692RE



I put this clip here a handful of Sundays ago as a placeholder, for it contained an exact quote from someone very close to me - one might even say, part of me - and I hadn’t known what to do with that conversation.



Now, I think I do. 

The Grinch At The End of This Story

Once upon a time, someone I know was having a very bad day. In fact, it had been a rotten week, and a rotten month, and come to think of it, when had anything ever really been a good at all?! He couldn’t remember. And so, because holidays can illuminate our prickly branches, and because the opportunity was sitting right there amongst the branches like a shiny wrapped present for the taking, my friend threw the Christmas tree, who for the record, was not being much help, down a flight of stairs.

Throwing the tree, stubborn as it was, didn’t fix anything, in fact, it broke more things, including the fragile ornaments shaped like children’s hearts, but for all of three seconds, my friend was focused on something other than his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad life. 

For the rest of the season however, he was secretly known as The Grinch. 

What can one say? 

CindyLoo Who calls it like she sees it. 

She hasn’t learned nuance, yet. 

But they are only alike to a point.

In the end, the heart of the Grinch grew.

He was a totally changed Who. 

In the case of my tree-tossing friend, he simply hasn't come to the end of himself... yet.