loss

I started to write a post about loss (and legacy reels) back when my grandpaw passed away...and then tried again recently when my uncle departed. Days got busy, I'm easily distracted and all of my attempts felt too frilly...too feely.

What I'm really aiming to say has been said in countless ways so, maybe that is why I feel too antsy to pin the words down (pen the words down?). It amounts to "Life is beautiful." though there are plenty of other worthy and valid things to be said about lives well-lived and legacies left behind. Like the following statements:

"The Grand Canyon is large."

"Niagara Falls is wet."

 "There's gold in dem dar hills."

 improvements could be made but the fundamental idea is present and accounted for.

Sometimes that's the best one can do.

So, here I am, sharing the video made in tribute to my uncle as a stand-alone excuse for where I've been lately, a picture-postcard from this other place for which I haven't an adequate vocabulary.

Though I was honored to be asked to help with this project,  I'm not saying "Look what I did." Although I became thoroughly immersed in the project, I'm not sharing a work of art. Truly, it is the handiwork of a novice-at best and I wish it were more...polished.



I share because the process of distilling a life story of 80 plus years down into an 80 proof shot has been transformative for me.



 I learned so many new things about my uncle but also about the world in which I live. Walking through the story of his life was like a history lesson wrapped in one last, strong hug.



In some ways, it helped me say good-bye. In other ways it confirmed that though I know I'm expected to do more and more of it in the years to come, saying goodbye will not get any easier.



The dread of such thoughts is almost enough to steal the joy of today-almost.



But even if it's only for today, the rest of us are still here -together. 

That is no small thing.

 This week, while watching a Disney show with the BigKids, we watched a eulogy scene that called on lines from "Our Town" for fitting words about this business of leaving Earth. I definitely couldn't have said it better myself.  

I know.

 I tried.

"Let's really look at one another!...It goes so fast. We don't have time to look at one another. I didn't realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed... Wait! One more look. Good-bye , Good-bye world. Good-bye, Grover's Corners....Mama and Papa. Good-bye to clocks ticking....and Mama's sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new ironed dresses and hot baths....and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth,you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every,every minute?"

~THORNTON WILDER //  "OUR TOWN"

No, we don't. We can't. But, we should at least try.

I love all of you. 

Take care of yourselves and each other. 

~k 

Elizabeth Smart's Story

I recently picked up Elizabeth Smart's book at a local thrift store. 

It terrified me. As in, check all the closets, lock all the doors, "What was that noise?!" terrified me. 

It was not unlike watching a Criminal Minds episode... too late at night... and home all alone. 

I finished the book shortly before bedtime and so, I slept with flashlight and pepper spray nearby and I set up noise traps at RyeBird's windows.

She usually eventually ends up in 'the big bed' with us, but for the 45 minutes where she actually slept in her own bed, it was extra peace of mind. I did not sleep in  MY own bed. I just lay there, hyper-vigilant.  

~*~

 Sometimes, it is nice to pretend that the world isn't as sick and twisted as it really is, but stories like this deny that charade. The world is broken...very, very badly in some places. 

The month prior to this, I had picked up Jaycee Duggard's story at a different thrift store. Also scary. So I am now convinced that we are all surrounded by crazy, scary villains... and we probably really are. 

I think the premeditation element was the scariest to read about. I have never thought of crimes of this nature carried out on a whim, but neither have I considered the great lengths one may go to target a victim, either.



I am guilty of making myself a sitting duck in the name of Good Samaritan-ship and, if it is possible, I also experienced retro-active fear for the times I could have been killed or endangered my family. And there was definitely retro-active gratitude & humility. 

I am more appreciative now of the various forms of self defense I have at my disposal and more determined than ever to remember to bring those methods along with me when I am out and about... and probably also when I am sound asleep, too. 

~*~

Scary as the books were, both also spoke strongly to the incredible, indomitable human spirit.

We have an amazing ability to heal and rebuild after bad things have happened...even really bad things.

 I was surprised by the sometimes wry and  humorous note that Elizabeth was able to take as she described her captor and time in captivity. I admire her spirit. And... it felt strange, but there were moments a small  laugh suddenly escaped my lips as I read along. 

In the book, Elizabeth's mom takes her aside shortly after her rescue and gives her some advice for the days to come. Perhaps it was because I've been rattled a bit by these abduction stories and needed something to hold on to or maybe I recognized quickly the simple but powerful truth in her words, for whatever reason, Mrs. Smart's words have stayed with me and continue to resonate.

 I will share that passage momentarily, but I see a bunny trail and I'm going to hop a few steps in its direction . 

Bunny Trail: 

Coming out of high school,one of my listed interests @ the colleges I previewed was Counseling. 

Sometimes I said I wanted to study Psychology. I wanted to listen to people for a living and be able to help them. I wanted to be Frasier. I wanted a patient like Bill Murray in "What About Bob". 

 Amongst other interests and leanings in the professional world, "counseling" has remained a constant on my list-as opposed to "Clown" which fell off way, way back somewhere, and "Artist" which is too sporadic and lacking in ability to make anything higher than the Hobby List. 

Though the interest and - I like to believe- a heart for counseling -- has  persisted, there have also been mental hurdles and hesitancy that I have known was there but haven't necessarily been able to articulate well . 

One of those hurdles has been this mentality: How can I possibly help someone who has been through something worse than I've ever imagined, much less experienced. What right do I have to speak into their life? What difference would it really make? 

If you marvel that I can doubt my ability to adequately counsel imaginary future counseling patients... well, stick around. That's all I can say. 

My Head Knowledge: Of course it's better to admit that you don't have all the answers, to sit quietly and hold a friend's hand than to talk too much or offer empty sentiments- or worse say the wrong, wrong thing in an old-fashioned-well-meant-road-to-hell-paving-event. 

My True Self Expectation: Save Everyone!Fix Everything!...and FAST!!!. 

~*~

I recently read a book about death and dying {On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler Ross} that tossed a little more kindling on my counseling desires. It gave me some direction about the sort of counseling I might would like to see myself involved in someday... but that's another post entirely. By contrast, Smart's book- or more specifically, Smart's mom-  provided a practical model for speaking into the life of someone who has more scars than me. 

This is what she said:

 "Before it gets too crazy, I need to tell you something. This is important. Elizabeth, what this man has done is terrible. There aren't any words strong enough to describe how wicked and evil he is! He has taken nine months of your life that you will never get back again. But the best punishment you could ever give him is to be happy. To move forward with your life. To do exactly what you want. Because, yes, this will probably go to trial and some kind of sentencing will be given to him and that wicked woman. But even if that is true, you may never feel like justice has been served or that true restitution has been made. But you don't need to worry about that. At the end of the day, God is our ultimate judge. He will make up to you every pain and loss that you have suffered. And if it turns out that these wicked people are not punished here on Earth, it doesn't matter. His punishments are just. You don't ever have to worry. You don't ever have to think about them again. You be happy, Elizabeth. Just be happy. If you go and feel sorry for yourself, or if you dwell on what has happened, if you hold on to your pain, that is allowing him to steal more of your life away. So don't do that! Don't you let him! There is no way he deserves that. Not one more second of your life. You keep every second for yourself. You keep them and be happy. God will take care of the rest." (pg 285-286)

Not only did I find the thoughts behind these words extremely wise, but also very applicable to walking through any given life. Even my own, say.  And while I know there's a large chasm between speaking these words to a hurting heart and being heard I saw in this example the importance and the impact of simply being willing to speak them. I hope to be as brave and insightful, as loving and true to the hearts that inhabit my life.