I recently finished merging all of the old blogs that I could find (and that I still remember the passwords for). This after a period of ducking into my shell... I can be very 'turtle-like', I know. Sometimes I'm okay with all the world seeing all the warts, other times I try to disappear for all I'm worth.
As I merged the blogs, I enjoyed reading the old entries. Many memories and moments were brought back to mind- some of it good and some of it slightly embarrassing... I have been too many versions of me.
One Two Three...Count the Me's ... SeventySix...NinetyNine...One Thousand
I have a terrible memory. If there isn't a picture or journal entry about it, it never happened or at least, not that I can recall.
Reading back over small, conversational details in some of the older entries had a shrinking effect. My eleven year old was suddenly four again, trying to fly like Peter Pan. Years disappeared and in their place the taste of sweet sadness, for the kids they have been, for getting to be there with them but not getting to stay forever.
They won't, you know.
Stay forever.
Steadily they've been moving forward to Time's too fast two step- growing feathers, stretching wings... getting ready more each day to soar away.
As I have been digging through the bones of yesteryear (humming Randy Travis, no lie) through the many versions of me, I realize that I won't either.
Stay this "me" forever.
And I reckon that's a comforting thing, overall.
As challenging as it can be to read back through my really bad writing and naïveté without hitting 'unpublish'- I believe it is a small attemp by me, to live authentically.
I recently said to a friend- after a lengthy email- thanks for letting me 'write' and I know I didn't mean, I think I write cleverly but rather, I appreciate the space to 'think' through some things and try to assign them words.
Most of my recent blogging has become a bit scrapbook-ish...a lot of show and tell. The older blogging was more 'writing', however badly - in that thinking space kind of way.
As I merged the blogs, I enjoyed reading the old entries. Many memories and moments were brought back to mind- some of it good and some of it slightly embarrassing... I have been too many versions of me.
One Two Three...Count the Me's ... SeventySix...NinetyNine...One Thousand
I have a terrible memory. If there isn't a picture or journal entry about it, it never happened or at least, not that I can recall.
Reading back over small, conversational details in some of the older entries had a shrinking effect. My eleven year old was suddenly four again, trying to fly like Peter Pan. Years disappeared and in their place the taste of sweet sadness, for the kids they have been, for getting to be there with them but not getting to stay forever.
They won't, you know.
Stay forever.
Steadily they've been moving forward to Time's too fast two step- growing feathers, stretching wings... getting ready more each day to soar away.
As I have been digging through the bones of yesteryear (humming Randy Travis, no lie) through the many versions of me, I realize that I won't either.
Stay this "me" forever.
And I reckon that's a comforting thing, overall.
As challenging as it can be to read back through my really bad writing and naïveté without hitting 'unpublish'- I believe it is a small attemp by me, to live authentically.
I recently said to a friend- after a lengthy email- thanks for letting me 'write' and I know I didn't mean, I think I write cleverly but rather, I appreciate the space to 'think' through some things and try to assign them words.
Most of my recent blogging has become a bit scrapbook-ish...a lot of show and tell. The older blogging was more 'writing', however badly - in that thinking space kind of way.