I recently entered a microfiction challenge. We were randomly assigned a genre, keyword and action to include in a 100 word story. This week, I found out I made the Top 15 finalist cut for my group. This means I will be given new prompts and 24 hours to write another 100 word story for Round Two... soon.
Round One:
Genre: romantic comedy
Word: bask
Action: taking an X-ray
Catching The Red Eye To San Rio
by Kelly Brewer
“Sir, your shoes?”
I slowly put my loafers on the conveyor to bask in x-rays. I had hoped to keep this morning’s
wardrobe mishap to myself, but now the danger of exploding sneakers demanded I bare my
soles to the cutest TSA agent in the terminal.
My socks stood out like a sixth toe.
I saw her notice and looked away.
I must’ve turned three shades pinker than the socks on my feet.
But when she smirked ‘I love Hello Kitty, too!” I looked right into her eyes.
And the rest, as they say, is history, Kit.
Our family history.
Judges' Feedback:
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED {2104} This story really made me smile. It has a sweetness to it–and not one that you would expect with a TSA agent! I also loved that the protagonist is caught out wearing Hello Kitty socks. Very humorous.
{2067} The line, "is history, Kit," has a sweet and endearing not for the ending. And the situation of embarrassing socks bringing two people together is an original romantic set-up. The mood is lighthearted while some of the discomfort or annoyance of an airport terminal comes through realistically.
{2111} This is a really cute story supported with good descriptive language and details, like the sixth toe analogy and turning pink in embarrassment. The ending is clever, and makes for a fun twist.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK
{2104} I thought everything about your story was strong with a couple of small exceptions. With a story limited to only 100 words, every word has to have a purpose. There are a couple of spots in which you could drop a couple of words that are not serving your story and in doing so, would tighten up your writing a bit. For example, you wrote: “…three shades pinker than the socks on my feet…” It is understood that the socks are on her feet. Also, while your last two lines are satisfactory, they are not quite as strong as the rest of the story.
{2067} On editing, it could help the story to take a closer look at language. The third sentence, "I had hoped . . ." might be easier to follow if broken up into shorter sentences. Conjunctions like "must've" aren't often used unless for a specific reason. Similarly, an phrase like socks standing out like a sixth toe is risky, pun-territory. It can sometimes work when characterizing the narrator.
{2111} At the end we understand this is a reflection on how he met Kit's mother, but if you found some room sooner in the story, it would help to have a clue that this story is being told to a child. Otherwise, there's not much you could change. It's great as is.