In the ancient books of Wisdom that have been forming my understanding of the world since I was very young, there is an adage to not withhold one's hand from sowing seed both in the morning and the evening, for we cannot know which will sprout, even, perhaps both.
This is located very near an adage about casting one's bread upon the water without fear of loss. It is an admonition to generosity but I have always muddled it with the seed passage to an understanding something like this:
Cast your bread upon the water - both in the morning and in the evening - whether you catch ducks or fish, there will be plenty to eat for everyone.
And there you see the difficulty in teaching me anything: the muddling. I'm a muddler. Things get muddy.
~~~
In July. I started massage therapy school. I soon realized that the school is set up identical to what is referred to as a 'predatory for profit' college. I'm sure it is strictly coincidence, as there are a lot of fine folks at the school who wouldn't be a willing party to predatory behavior. I discovered the structure when it became increasingly clear that I would be unable to complete the amount of for-profit massages required by the school (not the state) to graduate in time and maintain a job for survival. As the limited slots for student massages got locked down by the school's first-come, first-serve, no personal reservation policies, more students were added to the "work pool" routinely every two months, significantly shrinking each student's chance at successfully finishing.
In September, almost as if by the school's design, I withdrew.
The next week, I started a job as Graphic Designer.
Four days in, I quit.
The job required a lot more office management than met the eye, and while I have experience in that kind of work, it wasn't what I had applied for. It wasn't what was advertised. The creative outlet I desire was stuck behind a firewall of emails and bookkeeping. I asked my boss to call the guy he had interviewed before me, before he got hired somewhere else. He asked me to stick with him a little longer because things were chaotic in a way they had never been, and once we untangled the knots, there would be more art and less loose ends...
By October's end, I knew it was a job I could do and - with a little more time, probably quite well. I found myself skipping lunch, working late and becoming totally absorbed in getting the job done. I could see becoming a fixture in the office - my own office- and while that held its own appeal - I realized I didn''t want to find myself still there ten years from now. And I wanted to be a good steward of this season with my children - while they are around, I want to be around. I need to be around.
So I quit, again. This time he let me. He called the guy back who interviewed before me, paid me a few days to train him then sent me off with a smile and well-wishes.
On the day I knew I couldn't be an Office Manager/Graphic Designer any longer, I started a business with a Wix page and a whim. One of my best friends in Florida is a professional nanny and had been encouraging me to "open a branch" of my own. I had dabbled with the idea but always got stuck overthinking the name, the logo.... everything.
In my desperation to escape the confines of a cubicle, everything snapped into place or simply didn't matter anymore. Suddenly, it was floating debris that just might save my life.
And though I've had a lot of positive feedback for the idea, I haven't had a lot of calls....yet.
This week, I received an onboarding email for an internet company I will do remote work for.
Today, there was an email inviting me to interview for a job through Freelancer.
Over the next few weeks, I may finally finish that online course in Life Coaching.
~~
I've jokingly said that divorce turned me into a quitter... but I mean it in the best way. I've simply realized that I can. When something isn't a good fit, when it is the wrong way to spend my time... I can try, try again.
I've been thinking a lot lately about this season in my life - what my purpose is now that I'm not defined primarily as a wife, homeschooling mom or teacher.
It seems I'm tossing the whole loaf onto the water these days, sowing seed day and night.
I'm content here on the creek bank, watching for whatever may bite.
As I wait in the sunshine, or under a blanket of stars, I'm sure there'll be enough to go around.
And I know everything's gonna be alright.