::: all hyperlinks contain secret messages ::: PEW, PEW, PEW The * old wooden pews in the Nazarene church I grew up in required a sort of sidewinding to maneuver one’s way out. But it wasn't just Nazarene pews that demanded this certain sort of leg-bumping-hymnal-rack-dodging-side-shuffle to reach the aisles. The pews in other churches worked much the same way - regardless of padding or denominational affiliation. This led many of us children to slide-scoot on our bottoms, down the pew towards the ornate end pieces that led to wide-stanced freedom. Sometimes, when long-winded adults stood like talking roadblocks in our way, one might high-step a hasty trot down the pew seats themselves, clearing stacks of hard-back hymnals and leather bound pages of the Good Book like so many hurdles in a race. Joyful or no - it was a bad idea to make the horsey sounds out loud. Other times, we could escape by army-crawling under the length of pews until we reached ** Wh...