I think I know now
The answer - at least in part:
I have not wanted it to be true
I have wanted who I thought I knew
To be the real you.
~~
Wanting a true friend
One who stays,
Sells everything to buy the field
Doesn't just walk away
~~
There have been so many wolves in this house
Grandma, what big mistakes I've made.
[caption id="attachment_359" align="aligncenter" width="658"]
God hates divorce, not divorced people. God loves people.
Let's pause right here because that is the entirety of what I have to say, but my word count is supposed to be a bit higher. As words multiply, truth grows muffled. So please, if I may, I’d just like to remind you today:
God hates divorce, not divorced people. God loves people.
Statements like this tend to provoke argumentative replies from certain camps.
To follow “God hates -name any sin- . ” with a declaration of His love provokes a panic as if we’ve just turkey-dropped permission slips with God’s forged signature to all humanity.
Scenarios of affairs and abandoned families spring to the virile imaginations of many a worried mind. There’s real concern we’re gonna make God mad.
Imaginary scenarios are… imaginary. If someone is looking for validation to do or be a thing, that thing is, in all reality, already an inevitability.
Sought affirmation will be found in fortune cookie or flip of coin if a mind is so inclined.
Shake an 8 Ball enough times and you’ll get the answer you want.
If a person is looking for loopholes, somewhere deep down, they’ve already decided.
Maybe for good reasons like safety, but indeed, perhaps they are just being selfish.
Here we make the imaginative folks a little nervous again: God loves self-justifying, pleasure seeking people; even you and me.
He doesn’t justify all choices but He does love all people.
Even your ex.
Sometimes, that love looks like a natural consequence to our self-gratifying choices; confines that grow and refine us.
At other times, His love is the strength to endure hardships created by selfishness - whether other people’ s or our own.
So, for the record, this is not a permission slip. It’s a love letter.
One more time now, because it is true:
God hates divorce, not divorced people. God loves people.
God is not mad at divorced people when they cry “Uncle!” and throw in the towel.
Think about the attributes of an eternal, all knowing God. He saw it coming.
In most divorces, the dam breach was already leaking long before vows were exchanged.
Infinite wisdom understood the inevitability of a break long before you did. He saw the debris strewn beach of your aftermath life - and hated it, but He doesn't hate you.
We often project our bad experiences with authority on to God.
Growing up with a harsh and abusive parent or teacher may lead us to expect cosmic retribution when things don’t go according to plan in our adult lives. We feel God is angry with us for falling short, but we are told He knew we would … and loved us anyway. (via John)
God’s anger is directed at the destruction, not you.
When life is splintered by storm gales, it is easy to wonder how love would allow us to endure such pain. Wouldn’t love have stopped this in its tracks?
A love that doesn’t allow us to choose, isn’t love. It’s imprisonment.
A good test whenever love is in question: " Am I free to choose ? "
Love warns us the fruit is toxic but we take a bite anyway; it’s in our DNA.
Love is a doppler radar, forecasting the coming days.
Love issues warnings and ways to stay safe.
Love helps evacuate.
Love won’t say ‘I told you so’ to those who didn’t listen.
Love holds a torch guiding us to shore and walks beside us in the wreckage, salvaging remnants from what love wasn’t.
Love holds the nails and hands us the hammer as we begin to rebuild.
Love never fails.
Even when marriages do.
One last time for good measure now:
God hates divorce, not divorced people.
God loves people.
… and that’s a good thing.
For years I have been keeping notes on my phone and scrawled-on paper fragments in a scattered collection of what I refer to as ' ThoughtStrings '
I've often said that someday, I'll knit them together into a patchwork story quilt or two... which has been my reason for jotting stuff down in the first place... I want to come back, preferably at a more-quiet-less-busy time to think more on these breeze-strewn strands.
Sometimes, when I pick one up, I have no idea what I was thinking, or why.
Other times, I smile as I think back on the versions of me I have been, or cry (just a little!) over where I'll never go again.
Each time, I am grateful that I stopped long enough to take a snapshot with my pen.
Going forward, I'll be sharing those old coat pocket scraps, tagged ' ThoughtStrings ' with or without commentary.
If transparency and vulnerability are essential ingredients to courageous writing, here's looking at me (in fragments) :
Untitled, two entries on yellow legal paperUndatedFolded, tucked behind the legal pad in my default padfolioWhy: explaining identity (apparently)
{ 1 }
I don't know who I am anymore
I know the right answers:
Child of GodIn ChristRedeemed
So much gratitude for all that and more yet
I still don't know myself.Don't recognize meWe aren't really friends - she and me - but not from animositySimply unfamiliaritySome of her old ways didn't work for usAnd I don't know what to do with their remainsLike so many other projects:
- Making a quilt
- Crochet
- Collage
All junk nowPiling upHeavy stacks of magazinesWith no words I can use
{ 2 }
Time is tickingAnd I've already lostWastedSo muchI can't make some things happen fasterTomorrow remains indefiniteUnknownAnd Unleashable
Commentary:
(1) While I feel a little more familiar with who I am becoming, I still remain a casual acquaintance with myself... as if I quick-glanced the blueprint but neglected to take notes on specific measurements. (2) I'm not sure this was in relation to anything specific, but Rye's deep desire for 'step-dad' activities, like picnics in the park and taking an inevitable dog for walks, before she 'ages out' of such things comes to mind, as do house repairs and finances in general.